Life

I turned 45 a couple of weeks ago and started to think about my life.
I used to be a little girl with a mother a father a brother and a sister.
Now I am a mother a nanna and soon to be mother in law.
everyone who was part of my family as a child is gone. the man who I thought was my dad has passed away, my mother has not spoken with me for 10 yrs the feeling is mutual, my brother out of some misguided loyalty to my mother has stayed silent and we have lost touch for the same amount of time.
My sister who had always been my one constant in life is no longer my friend,my choice, as I had to choose between her and my daughter, who for some reason she had a pathological hatred for almost since the day she was born, she has always denied this but I could see it even if I tried to turn a blind eye to it, she was always quick to criticize her, always took my side when she was behaving badly. She would hold on to a grudge long after I had forgiven and forgot, she justified her bullying of my daughter as defending me.
She couldn't see that her behavior towards my daughter was not normal constantly goading and sniping at her getting in little digs and then hitting the roof if she dared to retaliate or answer back with a snipe of her own. Leaving her out of family celebrations, humiliating her every chance she got. Gloating whenever she had bad luck, like she somehow deserved it.
When her behavior started to affect my grand children I pulled the plug and quietly ended my relationship with my sister 2 years ago.
I wonder why I have this ability to turn my back on people without remorse, I feel sad that all these people are gone, but not because I miss them but because I feel I missed out on what a mother should have been, or how a sister should be.Or what it was like to live in a normal family where people loved and respected each other
and would stick together like glue no matter what.

I wonder will it ever change, I love my children and idolize my grandchildren and feel sorry for the people missing out on knowing them, and I feel sad for the little girl I used to be full of hope and dreams, and wish I could pull up just one happy memory from my childhood but I really don't think there are any ?